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(no subject)

Mar. 4th, 2014 | 07:07 pm

i am beyond lost.
i don't know who i am.
what do i want?
why am i not happy?
why won't you help me?
where is my awakening?
why does this life make me miserable?
i hate myself.
i hate that our love is lost.
i don't want this.
i've never known happiness.
what is happiness?

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breathe

Mar. 4th, 2014 | 07:05 pm

Speed stretched fallen rain,
skin lines on the window pane,
it blurs until i'm blind,
can't see the other side.

I took the long way home,
through novembers undertone.
Sharp eyes sifting through to find,
moments rare and purified.

I didn't know where I was,
or where I was running to.
I didn't know where I was,
I dont know where I'm running to.
fear is needless, seize.
air is fearless, breathe.

so far from the oceans thrall,
I was homesick inside city walls.
(Oooh) The seasons were upside down,
I was lost in hope that i won't be found

I didn't know where I was,
or where I was running to.
I didn't know where I was,
I dont know where I'm running to.
fear is needless, seize.
air is fearless, breathe.

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i am so lost.

Nov. 7th, 2013 | 12:23 am

questions to answer before choosing a major .....


  • What am I excited about in my life right now?

Learning, loving, making money, being on my own, my future with my boyfriend, getting good grades, maybe a puppy.

  • What do I enjoy doing?

Sleeping, researching majors and minors, researching jobs, listening to survival stories, or cancer stories, reading, spending time with my boyfriend

  • What activities can make me lose track of time?

this whole searching for a major and minor online, youtube videos, inspirational stories, boyfriend

  • What is the coolest job I can think of?

i don't know

  • What games and activities did I enjoy most as a child?

barbies, twister, monopoly, sorry, playing outside, playing school with my brother

  • If I imagine myself in five years, what would I ideally be doing?

figuring out what i want to do, be married or soon to be married

  • What is it I have not yet done, that I truly desire to do before I die?

go to europe, fall in love truly madly deeply in love and know it, help someone, change someone's life

  • What action could I take today that would lead me to my dream life?

i don't know what my dream life is .. /:

  • What would I want for myself if I knew I could have it any way I wanted?

true happiness for all eternity

  • What would I do if I knew I wouldn’t fail?

become a doctor maybe and oncologist, but the courses are extremely difficult, long hours on the job, and school is too long and costs way too much money, too much time, and just materials i wouldn't understand

  • What are the activities that you love and enjoy most?

maybe if i had hobbies, i'd rather stay home, sit around, and be lazy... and if i'm not doing that then i spend time with my boyfriend ... we go to dinner, or find something fun to do, ride his motorcycle, watch tv, cuddle, make each other laugh, make food, talk about things, be serious but have fun. that's about it..

he is my life.

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(no subject)

Sep. 3rd, 2013 | 10:07 pm
location: US, Missouri, Greene, S Campbell Ave, 5693

I could have done so many things by now.. I wasted two years in HS with graphic design and two semesters in college on it when I finally accepted I couldn't draw and couldn't see myself sitting on a computer all day, I could have been done with my AA in graphic design working for someone now. I also was gunna drop out of college to do what I had always wanted, nails. Till people talked me out of it because ill never make enough money. I worked for Disney world for a few months, and quit/resigned my internship when I was almost done.. I could have stayed in Florida. Yet here I am almost done with my general Associates degree, when I began in 2011, a year behind, and no idea what I wanna do next... I could have already been done with so many other things. I'm so lost and confused. How do you just decide what you wanna do for the rest of your life? Why does money have to be the deal breaker? Why can't I be so good at something that I just do that? Where are my talents? Why is growing up and college so stressful? Can you answer that? I can't.

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(no subject)

Aug. 28th, 2013 | 07:19 pm
location: US, Missouri, Greene, Co Rd 157, 5688

Love is scary.
Why am I not good enough?

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(no subject)

Aug. 28th, 2013 | 07:18 pm
location: US, Missouri, Springfield, Greene, S Campbell Ave, 5645

Who am I? Where have I gone ....

I’m searching for a paradise
That I just can’t seem to find
I’m searching for a paradise
For the time of my life

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sometimes it's hard

Jul. 30th, 2013 | 10:58 pm

trying to desperately want to help someone you've known your whole entire life.
wanting to see them happy, so badly. but yet i'm the only one who seems to care?
everyone else is afraid of him... because of how he has been in the past.
like, that's your son ... and when i am not here anymore, you have to encourage and support him.
and i'm afraid you won't and he will fall back down to where he has always been.
and nothing will change ...
how can you just sit back and not do anything? i don't fucking get it!!!!!!
why am i the only one who seems to give a shit about him and want to help him? other than his kids.
if you don't wanna help him why the hell are you letting him live here?

i seriously don't get it.
i'm supposed to be moving out and how can i know he will be okay here without me to push him, and encourage him.

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(no subject)

Jul. 28th, 2013 | 10:20 pm
location: US, Missouri, Waynesville, Pulaski, Pierre Ave, 198

I've been away from here. Haven't seen your face in about a month but I am hopeful. And you seem so down and unhappy lately, I hope I am not the reason for it. We've barely talked but its neither one of our faults. Ill see you soon. <3

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draw your swords

Jul. 15th, 2013 | 01:47 pm

See her come down, through the clouds
I feel like a fool
I aint got nothing left to give
Nothing to lose

So come on Love, draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine, I am yours
Lets not fuck around

Cause you are, the only one
Cause you are, the only one

I see them snakes come through the ground
They choke me to the bone
They tie me to their wooden chair
Here are all my songs

So come on Love, draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine, I am yours
Lets not fuck around

Cause you are, the only one
Cause you are, the only one

The only

Cause you are, the only one
Cause you are, the only one

The only one
The only one
The only one
The only one

So come on Love, draw your swords
Shoot me to the ground
You are mine, I am yours
Lets not fuck around

The only

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it hurts like hell

Jul. 14th, 2013 | 03:33 pm

it kills me to do this. if you love someone you got to let them go. especially when one wont make sacrifices for me. when there is insecurity and no trust. relationships don't work like that. and that's what really kills us. i love you and everyone would back me up on that, and how much i wanted us to fucking work so bad i stayed around, after every fight, and every cry, and i tried and tried to but its not fair. it's not fair that we fight and you get mad at me and then i get mad at you. you can't pick out what i do or who i hang out with. you don't trust me, and that hurts me. i can't keep climbing the fucking mountain i eventually will get tired and have to jump and that's where i feel like i got to that point, and i jumped. and i have no idea what i want in life but it's got to be so much more than this. this repetitive shit of the every day life. there has got to be more than just this. and i wish i could share every waking moment of every adventure i take with you, but we only hurt each other. we don't deserve to hurt. and it's not that either of us doesn't deserve the other because we took a great deal to really get to know every inch of each other. i accept every single flaw about you and every insecurity that you deny. but you couldn't accept me for who i am. i don't want anybody. i won't go off and flirt and find another guy to hang around. because that's not what i want. i do want you but right now it's going so down hill i have to stop it. maybe if we weren't far away it would work, or if you realized if you did want me that bad you make sacrifices for me and accept me for who i am, and share memories with me and other people. but you won't. and that hits me hard to know that you wouldn't do something like that for me ... i think that is what really pushes me to the edge. i'd do anything for you. but there comes a point where it begins to be too much and i deserve to be happy, happier than i am when we fight. i feel  like the one time we really connect and i know right in that moment you do care about me and no words need to be said when we make love, lately we did and i knew in those moments how you felt about me even though you never said it. and i will cherish those times with you forever. i don't want to share that with anyone else. i just wish you could tell me things. but we shouldn't do this. and every time we do it's like always my fault. you got to figure out what you want cuz i know it shouldn't be this way. and i can't tell you any of this without you telling me i am fucking stupid or i am so cliche. so whether you ever read this or see this or not. it's here and out here in the open. and i am so sorry, i can't change who i am for someone anymore. as much as i want us to work and i want us to be together and i want us to fall in love and be together forever and i would go with you to fulfill all your dreams until i realized what mine were. but right now that isn't going to happen until something changes and i don't know if anything will ever change. but know that i am always here for you no matter what, you were always my best friend for the last 2-3 years and i don't want that to end. just disappear. i don't know what i'd do. i hate to leave words left unsaid and i hate that you choose to do that. we both clash and wish we didn't. i wish this was everything of my fantasy. i was scared this would ruin our friendship and i didn't want it and even you said we could go back to being friends if it didn't work but look at us now. i don't know if that can happen. i don't think the things i like about you will ever change or my feelings even for a while. if it's meant to be, it will. but it's not right now. and it fucking kills me. i'm not okay, but i'll survive. without you. unfortunately...

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